New beginnings 1.7

Dabei alles abzuhaken. Die fast letzten Worte, wie ich annehme, wurden gesprochen. Jedenfalls habe ich das gesagt was ich wollte. Ich bin am Boden zerstört und fühle mich so als würde mir jemand das Herz aus der Brust reißen. Es ist unglaublich wieviel Einfluss eine Person auf die andere haben kann. Ich hab es mir so sehr gewünscht. Hab mir gewünscht, dass es wirklich jemanden für mich gibt, der für mich da ist. Der ehrlich interessiert ist an mir als Person. War es nicht genau das, hattest du nicht gesagt, dass du dich von meiner Intelligenz angezogen gefühlt hast, von meiner Unabhängigkeit, meinem Charme und einfach meiner Art? Ich steh hier, bin noch die selbe Person wie an dem Abend als wir uns trafen. Für mich hat sich nichts verändert. Jedenfalls fast nichts. Emotional bin ich abhängig geworden. Nicht weil ich es wollte, ich habe nicht geplant so enttäuscht zu werden. Das einzige was ich wollte ist Vertrauen. Denn nur, wenn man Vertrauen schenkt, hat man die Chance dieses zurück zu bekommen. Dein Vertrauen, das wollte ich. Deshalb habe ich mich geöffnet und dir meine zerbrechlichsten Seiten offenbart. Seiten, die einige meiner engsten Vertrauen nicht kennen, Seiten vor denen ich mich selber manchmal fürchte. 

Und jetzt lieg ich hier, schreibe mir alles von der Seele was ich dir gerne sagen würde. Alles was ich fühle, was du nie erfahren wirst und was du auch nie verstehen wirst. Es ist ein Segen und ein Fluch alles so stark zu fühlen.

New beginnings 1.6

6 ist neben der 8 meine Lieblingszahl und wie es grade aussieht, wird 'New beginnings ' auch noch höchstens 2 Einträge bekommen. New beginnings ist gescheitert. New beginnings hat mehr Hoffnung bekommen als es verdient hat und wurde von vorn herein idealisiert wo es nur ging. So ist das, wenn man die rosa Brille zu schnell aufsetzt. So ist das, wenn man sich etwas zu sehr wünscht. Aber die Realität scheint einen manchmal schneller einzuholen als man es gern hätte und grade heute hat sie mich nicht nur auf den Boden der Tatsachen zurück geholt sondern von Wolke 7 fallen lassen, ganz hart. Und nun liege ich wieder hier und frage mich was ich mir eigentlich bei der ganzen Sache gedacht habe ! Jemand der mich respektiert? Für mich doch nicht, oder anscheinend noch nicht.

Wie um Himmels Willen soll ich nach dem was die letzten Wochen passiert ist, jemandem noch einmal glauben ? Wie soll das gehen ? Ich bin sehr gespannt was die nächsten Tage passiert. Mein Geburtstag ist im Anmarsch und in diesem Moment würde ich ihn gerne verschieben. Tja, wenn das mal gehen würde. Was fällt ihm ein? Was fällt allen ein ? Wie kann man es mit sich selbst vereinbaren und damit leben jemandem Hoffnung zu machen, sie zu erheben, ihnen das Gefühl von Geborgenheit und Sicherheit zu vermitteln um sie dann aus ihrem Leben zu verbannen ? Und warum zur Hölle bekommt niemand seinen Mund auf, wenn ihm etwas stört ? Warum werden Dinge tot geschwiegen bis nichts mehr zu retten ist ? In was für einer Generation leben wir ? Sind alle so verhetschelt, dass ihnen keine Eier gewachsen sind ? Warum muss man immer erst selber darauf kommen, dass etwas nicht stimmt bevor der andere es überhaupt in Erwägung zieht mal zu sagen was Sache ist ?

Ich verstehe es nicht und werde es wahrscheinlich auch nie. Noch wahrscheinlicher ist es, dass ich auf ewig auf eine Antwort warten werde. 

NIE wieder, ich wiederhole, NIE WIEDER!!!! Werde ich mich einer Person hingeben und von Anfang an bedingungslos vertrauen ! NIE WIEDER will ich in einer Situation wie dieser sein! Ich bin es leid Fälle wie diesen hier zu sammeln, wieder jemanden vergessen zu müssen, zu trauern und mich zu wundern was mit mir nicht stimmt, dass ich scheinbar zu 0,00% liebenswert zu sein scheine. 'Vielleicht war er einfach nur der Falsche !' Haha, ich lach mich tot.sie sind alle die Falschen! Wie hätte ich es ahnen können, dass wenn jemand merkt, dass es nicht passt, er sich weiterhin trifft ! Man merkt doch früher als nach 3 Wochen, dass es nicht passt ! Man merkt das doch lange bevor !!!!!!! Positive change: es wird kälter. Das bedeutet ich kann mich mit meinem Bett, einem Weinchen und Netflix einschließen und muss NIEMANDEN mehr kennenlernen. Ich kann nur den Leuten vertrauen, die mich in ihrem Leben wollen und kann auf dieses ganze scheiss Drama verzichten !

2352

Samstag, 08.09.2017, 23:52 Uhr.

Ich liege wach und versuche meine Gedanken verstummen zu lassen.

Oft liege ich hier und denke über das 'was wäre wenn'- nach. Was wäre, wenn ich bestimmten Leuten mein Vertrauen nie gegeben hätte? Eventuell wäre ich seltener enttäuscht worden, aber wäre auch nicht da wo ich jetzt bin, und auch nicht von den Menschen umgeben, die mein Leben zur Zeit so bereichern. Ich vermisse meine kreativen Zeiten. Vermisse es Fotos zu schießen. Ich vermisse die Leidenschaft, Adrenalin, das Lachen und Weinen. Zur Zeit ist so eine Stille in meinem Leben mit der ich nicht viel anfangen kann. Aber was kann ich tun um meine Situation zu ändern ?

Glücklicherweise bin ich nicht die Person, die alles auf sich sitzen lässt, nur um sich weiter beschweren zu können. Solche soll es ja zu genüge geben. Aber nein, so bin ich nicht. Wo immer ich kann, versuche ich zu ändern was mich stört. Dabei fällt es nicht immer leicht zu akzeptieren, dass man eben nicht alles ändern kann was man möchte.

Wenn sich P zum Beispiel nicht in mich verlieben sollte, wird mir nichts anderes übrig bleiben als damit zu leben. Ich habe es satt mich zu Gunsten anderer zu verändern und ich will auch mir selber nichts mehr vorspielen. Sich selber etwas vor zu machen hindert einen doch nur auf dem Weg sich selber erstmal zu finden. Aber zurück zu der Situation. Ich denke ich werde mich im Herbst mal wieder an ein paar Shootings versuchen, Selbstportraits, draußen mit den Freunden und auch mal drinnen. Beten tue ich nur, dass ich es auch umsetze. Ich weiß dass ich es brauche aber ich kenne mich ebenso und weiß auch, dass ich mich leider sehr schnell ablenken oder von etwas anderem begeistern lasse.

Was bei P und mir zur Zeit läuft oder nicht läuft weiß ich nicht. Jeden Tag frage ich mich aufs neue was wir sind, wie wir zu einander stehen, was ich will, was er will, wieviel Potential tatsächlich vorhanden oder nicht vorhanden ist. Und das ist ebenfalls eine dieser Situationen in denen ich mich in Geduld üben muss. 

New beginnings 1.5

I feel paralyzed. I feel as if I'm standing in my own way. My own fears make me panic and just keep me from living the life I wanna live and behaving the way I normally would. It's crazy how much influence someone can have without even noticing. I need to slow down because he has. I need to stop becoming clingy and annoying and I need to stop panicking. Up to this point I still don't understand how I became so fortunate, how I actually deserve to be blessed with such a great and caring person. 

New beginnings 1.4

Ever since you've entered my life it's been heaven and hell. I know you don't notice but every move you make influences me. Either it feeds or takes away my doubts. Either you get up my hopes or you make me lose hope in life. 

Ever since you've been there, I've been almost as high as the stars or not being able to move. You truly spin my head round and round and make me dizzy. 

One minute I believe you want me, then a minute later I completely rethink everything and wonder if I can even trust you. What do you want ? What do I want ? Where is this taking me ?

A lot is new for me. Just having someone here so close to me is crazy new ! Not talking to that person 24/7 because you can see them like every second day is even crazier for me. I'm scared of losing and scared of failure. I'm scared of feelings and scared to be alone as well !

Ive been feeling like a crazy person lately because I seem to be way more unorganized and confused than I've ever been ! The last person who stuck by my side was so predictable, so easy to manipulate and so dependent. I don't even know what it's like to have someone that's just 'normal' I guess.

Repetition

Days like today what can I say? I passionately hate them. I hate them so much, that if today was a person, I'd wish it was never born. Days like today are the ones that always remind me how replaceable I am, how easy to forget and that other people's lives wouldn't be much different without me. Wow, how depressing. It's really annoying that these type of thoughts keep coming back to me. I really wanna believe they aren't true, but they come back, all the time. It never fails.
I just hate being alone, can't really stand it. When you try desperately to reach people and it seems as if they simply don't notice: when you even check your phone to see if the messages arrived, because not hearing back from literally anyone is really weird and awkward. But then you notice it's not technologies fault and there's only you to blame left behind. I am dreaming of a life where I don't have to feel this way anymore ! I am dreaming of a life where those feeling just stop occurring. Saturday night. What the actual fuck.

New beginnings 1.3

It seems as if I'm on the right track with wanting to take things slowly. It seems as if that's what I'm supposed to do. I have received the right thoughts and ideas in the right moments to know now what to do to not fall back to old patterns and act as if I'm worth less than the other person ! I seemed to put everyone always on a throne and completely forget what's good for myself. This time seems different, I have enough space and time to think things through, observe and analyze. I've enjoyed single life and it felt as if it just started to become normality when he came along. Life teased me but I'm not trying to let this feeling of freedom being taken away from me already. I can't let myself go through this again. I can't let myself down. Tomorrow I'll be back in the city and I've definitely anticipated being back in my familiar environment to continue healing and fixing.
For sure I will miss the sun and definitely the ocean, but I miss my friends and I'm looking forward to  partying again and just getting a normal schedule. Working out, eating normal and resting my head before school starts back ! 2017 has really been given me hell and heaven so far, but as we all know, light drives away darkness ! I'm ready to start this new chapter. I'm ready to finally getting treated and also treat myself the way I deserve to be treated! Shit, I'm seriously ready to finally finally finally be myself again without doubt, without fear and without regrets !

New beginnings 1.2

Going far away right after you meet your person truly sucks, you don't know where you stand yet, you don't have that person figured out in a way where you feel safe. Past experiences are burned in your heart and brain that you see every little thing as a warning sign. Truth is, things are going so fast or lets say they would go so fast if we could let it go it's course but god seemed to intend it otherwise and stopped it, let us suffer for a bit, let lust and loneliness build up. I feel as if I'm dying, I feel as if I'm losing him already. 5 more days until I get to have a complete weekend. I'm just praying that he won't get tired of me til then, praying that he won't forget that great, breathtaking evening we had when we met. I'm crazy about him and someday I will hopefully get to show him exactly that !

New beginnings

new beginnings have something magical, something crazy exciting that's simply indescribable.
For people like me, who are looking at life as if it's either perfect or a complete mess, new beginnings  are both. A crazy adventure where I block out every little fault and the crazy fears that creep into my head when I lay down to sleep at night.
It feel as if I have waited for a person like this to come around my whole life,  it feels as if up to this point life only prepared me to be who I am right now to meet this one person everyone talks about.
But then those thoughts that I just wish I could stop running through my head ! What if he has not the same intentions, what if I'm being played while falling madly in love and what if this person because of exactly those thoughts, leaves me alone before it actually started. I am so scared at this very moment that I just wanna scream and cry and hit on the walls in this room. Sometimes it would come in quite handy to be able to read people's minds. What I'm truly scared of is that I'm falling for lies. I've been packed in sugar and I want to believe the words he says. Deep down in my heart I just feel as if I need to be aware just because I've heard otherwise, just because people have seen and talked about me the exact opposite of how he talks to me. He seems so good to me, he seems better to me than I am to myself and it scares me to death. I mean I'm writing this nonsense while trying to sleep. I'm freaking scared to lose him even though it didn't even start fully yet.

Insomnia

I can't sleep.

I feel as if I can never sleep. Staying up until 3 am has become normal. Gotta keep myself distracted, I don't want to get to thinking, I don't want to face all those fears and questions in my head. What is this worth ? What's this life worth? Especially what is my life worth ?

Pushing people away, making them feel as if I don't care only because I am so scared to care too much and getting left behind ! I am so scared to be a bad friend that I am becoming a bad friend ! I can't keep in touch with everyone, not because I don't want to but because I don't know how to. I feel as if they don't actually care and that's why I don't want to bother them, I feel as if they are not interested, that's why I don't know what to talk about.

And you know, when you're scared of something and do it anyway while expecting failure, you will fail. That's how it works, that's how it always works and it pretty much sucks ! I'm losing touch to so many people who don't even know how much they mean to me because my inner wall and my inner little demon tells me that they don't want to hear from me. And I feel so sorry and guilty. A vicious circle. This is going on and on and on up to the point where I just wanna escape and run away to start somewhere new. But this hurts, every single day.

I am a bad friend and I don't feel as if anyone could ever desire me again.

Some of you might think this is some self-pity stuff and maybe it is, but this is in my head and maybe I have to write it down in order to understand it. Maybe I have to throw it right in my face to get better and work on it. 

And you know what I do when I feel this way? I eat. And you know why ? 

When I'm around people and I eat, that means I don't have to talk because I'm eating, or I can talk about the easiest thing, the food. If that ain't smart and sad at the same time, i don't know what is ! Maybe this is why I love to party, maybe this is why I love to drink. The music is so loud and I can get so caught up and into the music that it sometimes gets like a trance. During that time I can forget and I can just dance, and no one can call me weird for dancing at a club. It also makes me feel more confident and comfortable, since my escape is right there to rescue me just in case I get myself in a situation where I feel paralyzed!

Im scared, i feel scared and guilt at any given time of the day and that is what holds me back from getting close to all those beautiful and amazing people around me, it holds me back from living my dreams and showing my passion for life, love and just everything beautiful !

Some days like today, I don't even feel like a person. I more so feel like some breathing thing that takes away space and air. 

Dear Future

Dear Future,
Tonight I am especially lonely.
After over 4 years of having someone who you know thinks of you for sure, who you know, tells you you're loved, tonight is the night where I really feel as if it's over, over for good.
This feeling I am having right now is hard to put in words but if there was a word that's a mix between fear, grief, excitement and hopelessness, then that would be it.
I am so scared, after such a long time a relationship becomes part of your identity and without it, there's definitely a feeling of being completely lost !
Who am I now ? The one thing that  stood out about me was always my relationship! What is now gonna be striking and unmissable characteristic that people will remember me by ?
Questions and more questions, my mind is going nuts while my body just wants rest !
My heart tells me it's alright while my head tells me that it's all my fault, as well as that I did my very best!
I am thankful ! I was truly blessed to have been with someone,  experience my first long relationship with a person, who truly loved and believed in me. Someone who set the standards for the next person really high just because of how madly he did love me. I am so grateful to have found an forever friend that I never thought I would meet ! But what's next ?
I don't know but I hope that there is something coming after all !
I am praying that this time is gonna be the right time !
Praying for someone who brings out my strengths and helps me build myself and future,  someone who holds me at night when I have breakdowns and someone that I can hold as well!
I am praying for a person who looks at me and sees every little bit of potential and helps me embrace it all ! Someone who brings out the fire that I lost along the way and that laughs about the jokes only I laugh about !
I am praying for someone with goals, but also someone who is able to open up with their biggest secrets and fears to me !
Reading this probably makes y'all think I'm crazy, a person so perfect prob doesn't even exist, but I believe it. I believe that there is just the right person out there for me,  waiting patiently to meet me someonewhere along the way !
But for now I am hurt, I am hurt and definitely not ready or willing to even go out and talk to anyone.
Loneliness is probably the worst feeling on this planet but I want to embrace it and give myself time to heal and grief.
I know at some point I will be able to do all the things I wanna do.
I will dance.
I will laugh.
I will learn all languages possible.
I will meet even more new people who will inspire me and help me move on.

But for now there's only me. At this moment I have to learn to be enough for myself and not worry about being enough for someone else too!

Summer, watch out !