I feel as if I can never sleep. Staying up until 3 am has become normal. Gotta keep myself distracted, I don't want to get to thinking, I don't want to face all those fears and questions in my head. What is this worth ? What's this life worth? Especially what is my life worth ?
Pushing people away, making them feel as if I don't care only because I am so scared to care too much and getting left behind ! I am so scared to be a bad friend that I am becoming a bad friend ! I can't keep in touch with everyone, not because I don't want to but because I don't know how to. I feel as if they don't actually care and that's why I don't want to bother them, I feel as if they are not interested, that's why I don't know what to talk about.
And you know, when you're scared of something and do it anyway while expecting failure, you will fail. That's how it works, that's how it always works and it pretty much sucks ! I'm losing touch to so many people who don't even know how much they mean to me because my inner wall and my inner little demon tells me that they don't want to hear from me. And I feel so sorry and guilty. A vicious circle. This is going on and on and on up to the point where I just wanna escape and run away to start somewhere new. But this hurts, every single day.
I am a bad friend and I don't feel as if anyone could ever desire me again.
Some of you might think this is some self-pity stuff and maybe it is, but this is in my head and maybe I have to write it down in order to understand it. Maybe I have to throw it right in my face to get better and work on it.
And you know what I do when I feel this way? I eat. And you know why ?
When I'm around people and I eat, that means I don't have to talk because I'm eating, or I can talk about the easiest thing, the food. If that ain't smart and sad at the same time, i don't know what is ! Maybe this is why I love to party, maybe this is why I love to drink. The music is so loud and I can get so caught up and into the music that it sometimes gets like a trance. During that time I can forget and I can just dance, and no one can call me weird for dancing at a club. It also makes me feel more confident and comfortable, since my escape is right there to rescue me just in case I get myself in a situation where I feel paralyzed!
Im scared, i feel scared and guilt at any given time of the day and that is what holds me back from getting close to all those beautiful and amazing people around me, it holds me back from living my dreams and showing my passion for life, love and just everything beautiful !
Some days like today, I don't even feel like a person. I more so feel like some breathing thing that takes away space and air.
Keine Kommentare:
Kommentar veröffentlichen