Insomnia

I can't sleep.

I feel as if I can never sleep. Staying up until 3 am has become normal. Gotta keep myself distracted, I don't want to get to thinking, I don't want to face all those fears and questions in my head. What is this worth ? What's this life worth? Especially what is my life worth ?

Pushing people away, making them feel as if I don't care only because I am so scared to care too much and getting left behind ! I am so scared to be a bad friend that I am becoming a bad friend ! I can't keep in touch with everyone, not because I don't want to but because I don't know how to. I feel as if they don't actually care and that's why I don't want to bother them, I feel as if they are not interested, that's why I don't know what to talk about.

And you know, when you're scared of something and do it anyway while expecting failure, you will fail. That's how it works, that's how it always works and it pretty much sucks ! I'm losing touch to so many people who don't even know how much they mean to me because my inner wall and my inner little demon tells me that they don't want to hear from me. And I feel so sorry and guilty. A vicious circle. This is going on and on and on up to the point where I just wanna escape and run away to start somewhere new. But this hurts, every single day.

I am a bad friend and I don't feel as if anyone could ever desire me again.

Some of you might think this is some self-pity stuff and maybe it is, but this is in my head and maybe I have to write it down in order to understand it. Maybe I have to throw it right in my face to get better and work on it. 

And you know what I do when I feel this way? I eat. And you know why ? 

When I'm around people and I eat, that means I don't have to talk because I'm eating, or I can talk about the easiest thing, the food. If that ain't smart and sad at the same time, i don't know what is ! Maybe this is why I love to party, maybe this is why I love to drink. The music is so loud and I can get so caught up and into the music that it sometimes gets like a trance. During that time I can forget and I can just dance, and no one can call me weird for dancing at a club. It also makes me feel more confident and comfortable, since my escape is right there to rescue me just in case I get myself in a situation where I feel paralyzed!

Im scared, i feel scared and guilt at any given time of the day and that is what holds me back from getting close to all those beautiful and amazing people around me, it holds me back from living my dreams and showing my passion for life, love and just everything beautiful !

Some days like today, I don't even feel like a person. I more so feel like some breathing thing that takes away space and air. 

Dear Future

Dear Future,
Tonight I am especially lonely.
After over 4 years of having someone who you know thinks of you for sure, who you know, tells you you're loved, tonight is the night where I really feel as if it's over, over for good.
This feeling I am having right now is hard to put in words but if there was a word that's a mix between fear, grief, excitement and hopelessness, then that would be it.
I am so scared, after such a long time a relationship becomes part of your identity and without it, there's definitely a feeling of being completely lost !
Who am I now ? The one thing that  stood out about me was always my relationship! What is now gonna be striking and unmissable characteristic that people will remember me by ?
Questions and more questions, my mind is going nuts while my body just wants rest !
My heart tells me it's alright while my head tells me that it's all my fault, as well as that I did my very best!
I am thankful ! I was truly blessed to have been with someone,  experience my first long relationship with a person, who truly loved and believed in me. Someone who set the standards for the next person really high just because of how madly he did love me. I am so grateful to have found an forever friend that I never thought I would meet ! But what's next ?
I don't know but I hope that there is something coming after all !
I am praying that this time is gonna be the right time !
Praying for someone who brings out my strengths and helps me build myself and future,  someone who holds me at night when I have breakdowns and someone that I can hold as well!
I am praying for a person who looks at me and sees every little bit of potential and helps me embrace it all ! Someone who brings out the fire that I lost along the way and that laughs about the jokes only I laugh about !
I am praying for someone with goals, but also someone who is able to open up with their biggest secrets and fears to me !
Reading this probably makes y'all think I'm crazy, a person so perfect prob doesn't even exist, but I believe it. I believe that there is just the right person out there for me,  waiting patiently to meet me someonewhere along the way !
But for now I am hurt, I am hurt and definitely not ready or willing to even go out and talk to anyone.
Loneliness is probably the worst feeling on this planet but I want to embrace it and give myself time to heal and grief.
I know at some point I will be able to do all the things I wanna do.
I will dance.
I will laugh.
I will learn all languages possible.
I will meet even more new people who will inspire me and help me move on.

But for now there's only me. At this moment I have to learn to be enough for myself and not worry about being enough for someone else too!

Summer, watch out !